Today is my birthday…
Thank you all for the congratulations…
I will be thirty years old, no, I will be forty or maybe fifty, or…
As a matter of fact, it’s very embarrassing, I don’t even know how old I am, in other words, I don’t actually remember, I’m tired of counting the years just as much as tired of this… war!
Yes, war, but with no bombs or tanks…
It’s the daily war, a war for surviving … surviving in a society torn up by wars… till it snatched its soul away and only left it as a worn-out body, trying to hide its distortions with clothes and cosmetics.
I’m tired of this war on hunger. And hunger, ladies and gentlemen, comes in various shapes. See, there’s hunger of the stomach, hunger of the body, hunger of emotions, and hunger of the mind, but the most dangerous one above these all is… hunger of the soul…
But… all of this doesn’t matter. See, I’m not writing for you to talk about philosophy, I’m writing to you because I need your help to make a quick decision, the night is quickly falling; I got lost on my way home. And night here ladies and gentlemen, is not about the moon, stars, and sighs, it’s about stray dogs, and cars hovering like flies!
Let me briefly tell you my story, as I don’t have much time…
Today, as I told you earlier is my birthday, and for this, after long years of solitude, I’ve decided to celebrate it with “me”- as I don’t have anyone else to celebrate with – and also, I’ve decided to be happy on this day, and that, as may you know, is one hard decision.
This decision made me think a lot about how to find this happiness, so I found myself racking my brain trying to remember, how I used to reach this happiness as a kid when my family and neighbors were still alive. I remember that we used to buy a tart and set candles on it, and have drinks with thin sandwiches of Rumi cheese and lunch meat.
You can’t imagine how proud I am, to have the ability to remember these details.
And so I went to my bedroom, picked up the very little money that I put under my bed mattress, with deep insistence to buy happiness candy.
I went down to the street… it was hot and the sun was angrily glaring as usual, I looked in my bag for my black sunglasses which I never took off in the street, but I didn’t find them… I pitied myself thinking of going up those six floors to get them, so I gave up and walked my way…
I walked as usual, face down, expecting to see spit on the ground every few meters or twist my foot on some rocks.
I walked from one street to another, from one lane to the next, until I got to the main street. But I reached it more quickly unlike usual, as not one water stain on the street caused by some pipe burst came in my way as usual, nor did any potholes or sewers, those I used to avoid proficiently, the streets were perfectly even and… suspiciously clean!
As I mentioned, I reached the main street quickly, and I walked faster in excitement to get to my desired store.
I raised my head a little bit to step on the high marble threshold in front of the store, but… surprisingly… it wasn’t there! Nor the store itself was there!
I was so surprised that I stepped back, and guess what I saw instead. I saw… a mango tree!
I swear it was a mango tree, and not any tree, specifically, it was the old one that we used to throw rocks at when we were kids, and it always responded to our cruelty with love, dropping down some mangos.
But… how did the tree get here? How on earth right here? I started talking to myself while looking around, and I found out that the whole street had changed.
The huge tower that was in the middle of the street had gone, it got replaced with that abandoned villa that we used to play inside as kids, and the small garden which had one swing we used to fight over, was now replaced by the bus parking, and also those violet and jasmine trees, right there was a huge fence with a “Do Not Approach” sign, I knew these trees very well, during feasts; I used to pick some flowers from them, and gift them to my mother.
Everything is just the way it was… the same gentle breeze… the same warm sun… the same quietness.
Suddenly I felt something engulfing my body, pumping large amounts of carmine through me, all my extremities came to life, feeling every bit of it. My bowed head rose up with my brown eyes reflecting the rays of the sun.
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes with a smile on my face and tears dripping down…
I felt my soul coming back to me, that soul I thought I lost in those wars… Wars that destroyed some of the bones in my back and my jaw, and left some deep scars on my body, those I usually pretended that they didn’t exist.
I felt deep happiness, a mysterious one, just like the sea waves that we used to jump in with joy when we were kids.
I almost danced with joy, but I was afraid of being arrested on charges of reviving spirits.
And while I was swimming in all that beauty, a swarm of women suddenly showed up wearing black robes, walking quickly with bowed heads so that their faces couldn’t be seen, led by a group of men with dusky, stone-featured faces. They all had their eyes blocked by black sunglasses just like the ones I forgot!
My body and soul trembled, so I decided to leave…
I started walking in a lot of unrecognizable streets, or rather, I knew them all, but they seemed blurry in my mind, I looked around… wondering where my house was. I didn’t know where it was.
While I was limping in my memories walking from one street to another, a man with a white short robe showed up in front of me, he came closer boldly holding something in his hand.
I stepped back feeling my soul slipping into a corner of my heart… the man raised his hand to my face holding black sunglasses, saying in a hoarse voice: “wear it!”.
I retracted back, even more, he grabbed my hand put the sunglasses aggressively in it, and said: “Don’t resist the current and accept your reality, without the sunglasses, you will not find your way home” … then he left…
I stood shocked, terrified, not knowing what to do… should I wear them so I can go home, or should I not… and continue my anonymous journey in search of myself?
Please, help me! The sunglasses… are still in my hand!
Rania Refaat